Like a Prayer
by kristophalexander
Summary: Jeff 'Joker' Moreau has been carrying the guilt of Shepard's death for two years, only for her to wake up and not remember a thing. Now it's up to him to help her remember just how she died. Fem!Shepard/Joker
1. Chapter 1

Like any sane person, Joker wanted to avoid feeling guilty as much as possible. Then he realized that the more you try to run away from guilt, the faster it'll chase after you. It had haunted him for the last two years. He'd waking up, drenched in sweat, screaming, "Commander!". He was tormented daily by the vision of Jean Shepard looking at him one last time before pressing that damn button; the sight of her floating in space.

He thought he could make himself feel like crap? It was nothing compared to the blame others put on him. Joker had only gone to one memorial service, the one on Earth. There had been several, but he had only gone to one to know that he was never going to another memorial service again. He hadn't very much fancy wear, so he had worn a pair of black pants and a black t-shirt. He struggled in the mirror with putting gel in his hair for about ten minutes before he realized he didn't care and just left it.

It was grand; there was a large white statue of her. She was posed looking up at the sky, with one hand on the gun on her hip and the other one holding her helmet. Just looking at it made Joker feel like crap. At least the statue wasn't looking towards him. There were already candles, letters, and personal items at the base of the statue. So many flowers. People of different races all gathered to listen to the man and woman standing at the podium.

"My daughter was..." Trista Shepard began, and even from towards the middle of the crowd Joker could see the whites of her knuckles from where she was gripping the stand so tightly. "She was an amazing woman. She was so fierce. So strong. The military had been in our family for generations. It was where I met her father."

Trista looked behind her to lock eyes with her husband. He was standing behind her, his arms behind him. Joker had seen the Commander standing like that so many times; as she listened to her crew, as she talked with her friends, even as she stood behind Joker to watch him fly the Normandy.

"But anyone could see that Jean didn't treat the military as a profession, like I always did. From a young age, we could see that the military was her life." Trista took a deep breath. "She gave her entire existence to her work. She worked harder than anyone I had ever seen. She was dedicated to her work, to her crew."

Trista Shepard's eyes locked onto Joker's, and he froze.

"Jean...she always wanted brothers and sisters," Trista seemed to be talking directly to him. "She remained an only child, but when I saw her on her own ship, when she was introducing me to the crew, and even said to me, 'This is the Normandy.' I could see that she had found her family. That ship was her blood; that crew was her family."

Joker wanted to turn and run away from the memorial. He wanted to get the hell out there. People were turning their heads to look at him, but Trista's eyes kept him locked in place. They were that same pale blue like her daughters.

"And I had a feeling that there was only one way that she would ever go out of this world, and I was right." Trista took another deep breath. "To her last breath, she protected the ones that she loved. She put her crew's safety above her own."

She seemed to lean forward, as if wanting Joker to really understand what she was going to say next.

"She died for her family." She said. Everyone did turn to look at Joker that time, and he was really itching to get the hell out of there. Trista leaned back, let go of the podium, and turned to sit down on one of the seats next to the podium. Her husband stepped up to the podium, and Joker felt a stirring of dread in his stomach.

"A representative of the Citadel Council will now speak." He said, and then he turned away from the podium, letting another woman step up. A grumbling seemed to go through the crowd, and Joker was right along with him. The Council had denied the Reaper claims. Had sent Shepard on wild goose chases to keep her busy. Where the hell did they get off showing up to her service?

An older woman stepped up to the podium, and she walked like she had a giant stick up her ass. Joker rolled his eyes as she began talking about how valiant and honorable Shepard was. Joker was so busy being annoyed with the woman that he nearly missed Shepard's parents standing up from their seats and going to kneel down at Shepard's statue. The Council representative didn't miss this though, and she trailed off for a moment to look behind her at Shepard's parents. When she saw that they were just there, looking as if they were praying, she began speaking again, albeit a bit haltingly.

Then Shepards parents rose to their feet, locked arms, and walked away without another word. Joker had to struggle to keep silent at the representative's expression. Clearly Shepard had inherited her parents fearlessness. That was a silent 'piss off' to the Council.

Since Shepard's parents weren't around, Joker didn't see a reason to stick around either. Others had the same idea. Many stepped up to the statue, leaving flowers and other items. Joker just stood in front of it, looking up at Shepard's expression. Face turned toward the sky, looking like she was ready to kick some ass. How many times had she been on the ground for a mission, and looked at the sky where she knew the Normandy was waiting for her to return? How often had she depended on Joker? She counted on _him_.

Joker sniffed, holding back. Like hell he was going to cry. Not in front of these people. Not here, not now. He quickly set down his item, his small tribute to Shepard and walked away as fast as he could go, which was admittedly not very fast. .

Yet, almost two years later, he could remember the way that Trista Shepard's eyes bore into his. _She died for her family. She died for _you.

"My fault. My fault..." Joker would mutter to himself after his nightmares. It became his mantra. He'd see her looking at him as she struggled to hold onto the ship.

_My fault._

He'd remember the way he screamed at her as she pressed that damn button.

_My fault._

He remembered the glass against his face as he pressed himself against the pod door, looking at her and shouting as she floating in space.

_My fault._

The way everyone looked at the memorial service. The grieving faces of her parents.

_My god damn fault._

"Shepard's alive, Jeff." That pompous voice of the unrealistically hot chick. He was sitting in her office, her hands crossed on her desk as she looked at him.

"Bullshit." Joker said. Shepard's dead. He _saw_ her die. She got spaced, and there's just no curing that.

"It's true. We salvaged her body and are currently working on reconstructing it." Miranda said, a small smile curling her perfect stupid lips.

"Yeah, and I can run a marathon." Joker said, rolling his eyes.

"If you're willing to work with us, maybe we can arrange that." Miranda said, a notorious twinkle in her eyes. She looked like she was playing with a dog she knew was stupid.

"Yeah, well...wait, what?" Joker said, double taking.

"Obviously, we cannot cure your disease, Mr. Moreau." Miranda said, leaning back in her chair. "But we are currently developing a serum that could lower the severity of it. You wouldn't be able to run marathons, but you will move without aids like braces or a wheelchair."

It took Joker a minute to get past the '_Imagine life without having to put those damned braces on. It'd make things so much easier. No more pitying glances. No more offerings of help. Holy crap._' and instead adopt an uncaring expression.

"So, what, doc, you just handing out cookies for free? What's the catch?" Joker asked. Miranda rose from her chair, circling around to sit in front of her desk.

"It's still in the processing stage. We haven't had a chance to test it on anyone. However, I believe that the benefits outweigh the risks significantly." She said.

"Get to the point." Joker said, gesturing a 'move along' gesture with his hand.

Miranda turned, going to the opposite side of the room, looking at a bulletin board covered in medical charts.

"The Illusive Man has made it very clear that Shepard is to be unchanged in any way," Miranda said. "Her personality needs to be the same, her memories need to be the same, her skills need to be the same. It would be much easier if I were allowed to put a control chip in her."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not bringing a control chip anywhere near her!" Joker said, suddenly outraged. Images of Shepard walking around without any will, killing without feeling remorse. A human machine for Cerberus to use.

"Relax, Moreau. The Illusive Man already said no." Miranda said, though a bit bitterly. "He believes she would operate better if she had her own choice in the matter. If she could make her own decisions."

"I still don't see your point." Joker said.

"She would also adapt better if she knew she had allies. People she could trust." Miranda looked at him pointedly.

"Oh, I get it now. I'm the carrot to convince the donkey to do what you want. Clever." Joker said sarcastically. Miranda scowled at him.

"Let me make this very clear for you, _Joker_." She said nastily. "I don't need you. Cerberus doesn't need you. We can continue with this operation without you. The Illusive Man is being very generous by offering you a position. You have a choice; you can walk away without a job, without a serum, and you'll never see Shepard again."

Joker opened his mouth to retort, but Miranda raised a hand to silence him and kept going.

"Or, you can join with us. You can work under Shepard's command, get that serum to get you walking, and you'll fly again. Your choice. Sink or swim."

Joker stared at Miranda for a long moment before snorting.

"Hard to argue with that." He muttered.

"I'll draw up the paper work, and send it to your apartment." Miranda said, and if she sounded a little triumphant, then hell with her. It took Joker a moment to stand up, and he was just about to exit the office when Miranda looked up from her computer. "Would you like to see her?"

Joker paused.

"She's...awake?" He asked.

"Oh, no. That won't be for at least three months. We're currently in the process of tissue development." Miranda said. Joker looked at her with a blank expression. "Skin."

"You know what? I think I'll pass." Joker said. "But this was fun, we should do it again some time. I'll call you."

With that, he walked out of the office.


	2. Chapter 2

You would think that being on the new Normandy, being around Shepard again, would ease the guilt. Boy, how wrong he was. It actually made things worse. Miranda had told him, several times, that she wasn't sure whether or not Shepard would remember her death.

"Her mind would have likely blocked out that sort of trauma." Miranda had told him. "If she does remember it, though, I'll offer to remove that memory."

"You can do that?" Joker asked skeptically. Miranda looked up from the paper work on her desk.

"We can do all sorts of things, Moreau." She said, her gaze falling to his brace free legs. Joker had a hard time arguing with her after that.

The serum had worked. It had taken about a week for it to really kick in, but when it did, he was elated. Obviously, he wouldn't be going to bars and getting in arm wrestling contests, but at least he could move around with more ease than usual.

It was the first thing that Shepard noticed about him.

"Nice legs." She grinned at him.

"Yeah, you like that?" Joker grinned, looking down at his legs, too. "Look, Shepard! I'm a real live boy!"

She laughed loudly. Joker felt terrible.

He had known from their first moment together that she didn't remember. He walked in the room, and she had an annoyed expression on her face as she turned.

"Commander." He said, and then she looked up at him. "Just like old times, eh?"

The way her face had lit up at seeing him confirmed it. She smiled at him with absolute trust. She didn't remember that it was all Joker's fault she died in the first place. Sure, she had been briefed on the details of what had happened (the attack, the fire, how she had died to save Joker) but she didn't remember the details; she didn't remember the emotions. So she felt detached from it. It was like she didn't even care.

Joker could hear it over the microphone in her helmet.

"Shepard! I heard you died!" Someone said. Shepard had laughed loudly and answered, "Happens to the best of us!"

Not a care in the world. No concern to the fact that she died. Joker thought at first it was all an act. He kept a close eye on her. Eating in the mess hall, talking with the Yeoman. He even pulled up the security cameras to see if she'd break down by herself in the hall or in the elevator.

She looked as she always did before. She'd glare down at her paperwork, look attentively at her crew, and laughed with Joker. She'd look at the map, jotting down coordinates on a screen while Yeoman Chambers told her to stop itching at her scars.

And the more normal she acted, the worse that Joker felt. He couldn't decide whether he'd prefer this cheery demeanor or having her utterly pissed off at him for getting her killed. He thought he'd prefer the latter. All those months of dreading, waiting for her to wake up just so she could kill him and get it over with...for nothing?

"How long do you expect to keep this up, Joker?" A familiar voice said behind him, causing him to flinch. Joker turned, seeing Garrus walking up to him.

"Well, I keep trying to talk to Miranda about a cure, but she said that it'd be a waste to get rid of my dashing good looks." Joker said, grinning up at Garrus. The turian looked unamused.

"She doesn't remember." Garrus said bluntly. Joker swallowed, feeling his stomach flip.

"Yeah, I know." He answered.

"You haven't talked to her about it." Garrus guessed.

"Well, I mean, she _knows_ what happened." Joker said.

"She knows what happened. It's not the same. She needs to _remember_." Garrus said. Joker looked shocked.

"You want her to remember her _dying_?" He asked. Garrus nodded.

"It is an important experience. She has to remember exactly what she felt, exactly what death felt like. Otherwise, she's not moving forward. She's not improving." Garrus said.

"Your idea of improving is different from mine." Joker said.

"She wouldn't want to forget Virmire." Garrus said. "She'll want to remember this."

He did have a point, there.

"So, you talk to her about it, then." Joker said. Garrus shook his head. Joker groaned, putting his hands up to his face. "No, why me?"

"Because you're the one she died to save. I think it would mean more coming from you." Garrus said, and he turned on his heel and left.

Fine. Joker would talk to her about it. But he was going to take his sweet time getting around to it.

What would he even say, though? 'Hey, remember when I got you killed? Crazy times, eh?' Not even close. Joker got up from the pilot's chair, ordering EDI to go on autopilot. He was wiped and it was about time he got some shut-eye, even if it meant that he was going to force himself to sleep. He slowly walked for the elevator, and groaned inwardly when the doors slid open and Shepard was on the other side. She was glaring at some paperwork and looked up at Joker with a surprised expression. An easy smile broke on her face.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought I'd never see you out of that chair." She said.

"Just going to shower and then bed." Joker said.

"Well, hold on a minute. I'll go with you." She said, moving past Joker to set paperwork next to her private terminal while Joker stared at her with wide eyes. Did she just say that she was going to go take a shower with him? Surely not.

She walked back and stood in the elevator with Joker.

"I'm starving." She said fervently, and then Joker understood that she was just going to the same floor as him. That made sense. It wasn't like Joker was disappointed or anything.

Because he wasn't.

"Do you want a bite to eat with me?" She asked, looking at him. They stood about the same height, though if Shepard was pissed off, she had the presence of someone 7 feet tall.

"Sure." Joker said a little quietly. This would be the ideal moment to say something. To mention what happened. It felt like Joker's mouth went dry, though. His jaw felt like steel. Nope. He wasn't going to say a word just yet.

"I wonder what we've got. I picked up some stuff at the Citadel, so I'm hoping there's something good." Shepard said, rolling her shoulders and stretching her neck. Joker could see a dark bruise on the back of her neck, just underneath her flaming red hair. The blue and purple bruise stood out from her extremely pale skin.

"Yeah, well if Gardner was in charge of cooking, I doubt we have anything." Joker muttered, remembering the 'Sunday Surprise' that was served last week.

"Hey, don't talk like that." Shepard grinned at him. "I'm sure there'll be something good."

"Since when did you become an optimist?" Joker asked, smirking at her.

"Probably since I came back from the dead. Resurrection does a person's mindset good." Shepard smiled. Joker felt his heart hammering a bit faster in his chest. How can she be so casual about this? Joker still has nightmares about it.

"You broke my arm." He said, and was immediately flabbergasted that, of all the things to say, _that_ was what came out. Shepard looked over at him, frowning.

"What?" She asked.

"When you pulled me out of the chair." Joker said, his voice growing a bit quieter. "You were in a hurry. You grabbed my arm and...and you broke it."

"Oh." She said. Joker looked at the floor, and didn't notice how close Shepard was until her hand touched his arm.

"This one, right?" She asked softly.

Joker nodded, marveling at how soft her hands were. Then he realized that Jean Shepard, his commander, his _boss_, was running her fingertips up and down his forearm. What was that all about? What was she doing? Was she flirting with him?

The elevator doors opened and she dropped her hands.

"It healed nicely." She said quietly before walking ahead of Joker.

He stared after her a moment before muttering, "Holy hell." and following after her.


	3. Chapter 3

If anyone asked Joker (which no one seemed to), he would say that he didn't like the new assassin on the crew. Joker didn't know much about him, other than the fact that he was a killer. But he just gave Joker a weird feeling.

And no, it didn't have to do with how attentively the freak looked at Shepard and how often he did it. That's crazy talk.

So Joker was already in a foul mood when EDI popped up at his left again.

"Mr. Moreau, Commander Shepard has requested your assistance on level 3." EDI informed him. It was in the middle of the night, and Joker thought that he was the only one up. He rarely slept anymore.

"What kind of help?" Joker asked resignedly. Him and Shepard hadn't spoken since that freaky little moment on the elevator.

"She has fallen in the shower and needs to be escorted to the medical bay." EDI responded.

"What! What does she need me for?" Joker asked, nearly tripping over his words. "Call up someone else! They can carry her there!"

There was a brief moment of silence, and Joker knew that EDI was relaying his response over to Shepard.

"She has specifically requested you," EDI said and Joker groaned. "She asks that you bring her the wheelchair kept in the closet, and to please do so discreetly."

"Fine, fine. Tell her I'm on my way." Joker grumbled, rising to his feet and crossing to the tiny closet near in the cockpit, where a coat, his braces, and a folded wheelchair were. He yanked the wheelchair out, and unfolded it, steering it towards the elevator.

Couldn't someone else do this? Shouldn't Shepard have requested a woman to help her? God knows Chambers would practically trip over herself for a chance to assist the Commander. Joker exited the elevator, walking over to the womens restroom door. He paused, wondering if she was, uh, decent enough for him to enter, but before he could even finish the thought, the door slid open and he saw her lying on the floor.

Her hair was really long. It was probably to her mid-back, and it was still wet. It was the first time Joker had ever seen it out of its tight bun. She had managed to drape a towel over herself, barely covering her valuables. Boy, did she look mad. She was cradling her left arm and Joker could see bruises already forming over the left side of her body.

"Jesus, what happened?" Joker asked, walking carefully into the room, taking care not to slip and fall himself.

"I don't know. I was just walking out of the bathroom and next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground in a butt-load of pain. I dislocated my arm, and something's messed up with my leg. Everything hurts like a mother." Shepard said. "Just bring the chair over her and I can lift myself in."

"You sure?" Joker asked, thinking of at least four different people who could lift her up and place her in the chair without her feeling a thing. And he wasn't one of them.

"I'm sure, Joker. The last thing I need right now is anyone else seeing me naked. Which reminds me. Turn around." She said, and Joker turned around. Granted, he could still see her in the mirror, but hey, she hadn't told him to close his eyes.

She was certainly having a tough time. Her right arm seemed to be the only thing she could really use, but she was determined. She got herself about halfway into the chair when the towel slipped, revealing all.

_Oh._

_Wow._

She glanced over her shoulder at Joker, but seemed confident that he couldn't see. Good thing she didn't look the other way and see him gawking at her in the mirror.

Joker had always known that Shepard was a good looking woman. But he had seen her as pretty in an almost detached kind of way, the same way that you might look at a movie star and acknowledge that they're beautiful without feeling any kind of desire.

_That_ was gone.

His heart was hammering, his stomach was doing back flips, and he quickly rubbed his sweaty hands on his shirt. He was amazed at just how gorgeous she was. He could see how strong she was, muscles underneath that pale skin tensing up. The curve of her breasts and her flat belly.

Maybe Joker should just jump in that shower really quick and cool down.

She was able to kind of wrap herself in the towel before telling Joker it was okay to turn around. He did, and he started to slowly wheel her out of there. He could still see the droplets of water running down her back...

Oh, man. He needed to distract himself.

"Tell me, Mr. Moreau," Joker said in a high-pitched voice. "Just how did Jean Shepard, war hero reborn, meet her demise? Did she sacrifice herself for thousands? Did she push a child out of harms way? Did she fall and break her neck trying to get a kitten down from a tree?"

Shepard cast an annoyed look at Joker.

"Oh, no." Joker continued in his own voice. "She fell in the damn shower."

"Shut it, Joker. I may be injured, but I can still kick your sorry ass." Shepard said, but she had a smile on her face.

"You'd have to catch me first." Joker grinned. Shepard threw her head back and laughed.

They wheeled in the medical bay. No doubt Chakwas was asleep in the crew quarters. Joker stopped the wheelchair at the edge of a bed, reaching into one of the drawers and pulling out a flimsy paper gown.

"Here. Better than a towel. I'll get the doctor." Joker said, handing Shepard the gown and starting to walk away.

"Joker, wait." Shepard said, her voice serious. Joker paused, turning to look at her. Her large blue eyes were staring earnestly at him.

"We both know I don't remember what happened." Shepard said, and she looked down at a lock of her hair she was playing with. "But, even if I did, I wouldn't...I mean...I don't blame you, you know. For what happened."

Joker felt his breath catch in his throat.

"It wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry I broke your arm." She said softly.

Joker quickly turned away from her. He was feeling too many things right now. He was pretty mad that Shepard was actually _apologizing_ for breaking his arm while she was saving his life. He was both sad and relieved that she didn't blame him. But really, he was just upset that she didn't remember, so he couldn't ask why she had gone to such lengths to save his life.

"I'll get the doctor." Joker said, and he walked out.


	4. Chapter 4

"Don't you have anything a bit more exciting?" Kelly Chambers asked, searching through Shepard's underwear drawer. Jean Shepard felt a blush creep up her cheeks.

"No." She admitted. "I mean, back when Kaiden and I were together, I did purchase some, uh, lingerie at a store, but only one pair and...and I guess they're gone now."

Instead of the exciting lace bras and frilly thongs that Kelly had been looking for, very basic black bras and underwear were in the drawer. Very unexciting, and possibly borderline boring.

"Well, I suppose it'll have to work." Kelly sighed.

"Why are you judging my underwear, anyway?" Shepard asked. "Is this some task that I wasn't aware of you being in charge of?"

"Oh, nothing like that. There's just an officially unofficial party going on downstairs. You know, music, food, a bit of dancing. I thought it'd be fun if we could dress up for it." Kelly said.

"Oh, so that explains the dress." Shepard asked, grinning over at Kelly.

Kelly was wearing a tight dress that barely covered her assets and had long sleeves. She was also wearing heels, something that Shepard absolutely hated to do. The nights she had to wear high heels were usually also the nights she had to run for her life.

Kelly just winked over her shoulder.

"Let's see if you have anything cute. You might have to borrow one of my dresses. They'll be a bit small, but that's the fun part." Kelly had a mischievous smile on her face.

"Hate to disappoint, but I seriously doubt it." Shepard said, grabbing the model of her Normandy and turning it over in her hands.

"Well, there has to be _something_ cute in here. Maybe something that'll impress your friend Thane...?" Kelly said casually, but Shepard snapped her gaze back to her.

"What're you talking about?" She asked.

Kelly shrugged. "You two are...close." She said suggestively, and Shepard snorted in laughter.

"Friends, Kelly. Just friends." Shepard said.

"Okay, okay. Keep your secrets." Kelly said. "I'll be right back. You clearly don't have anything in the form of party attire, so I'm going to go find you one of my dresses to wear."

Shepard smiled as Kelly left, and then turned to face her private terminal again, still turning the Normandy model in her hand. Were people really thinking that she had feelings for Thane? He's a good guy, but Shepard just didn't feel for him like that. She thought about how much easier things would be. She knew Thane could be sweet, and had witnessed in battle that he was strong enough to keep up with her.

She thought about what it'd be like to kiss Thane. To run her tongue along his bottom lip, to feel his cool hands sliding down her back.

She felt nothing. How disappointing.

Shepard sighed, putting the model back in its place on the rack.

She stood up, walking over to the foot of her bed. She looked straight up, seeing the stars. She concentrated intently on the space outside her window, willing herself to remember. She didn't like feeling this way. She hated being confused. It was like someone tore out a chapter in a book she was reading. She didn't know where to go from here.

It wasn't like she was completely apathetic or anything; she could still feel. Since she's woken up, she's felt mad, happy, and sad. She definitely didn't have any emotional issues; just memory ones.

"Come on," She whispered, staring at the stars. "Think. Come on..."

Nothing. Damn.

Shepard was so frustrated. Usually when she got mad, she felt like crying. Then she was embarrassed that she was crying, which only made her cry more. Then her tears started feeling like harsh chemicals in her eyes, and it _really _hurt to cry. It probably had something to do with the salt in her tears, but she hated it. This was the main reason that she didn't cry very much.

Well, that and the fact that she had to be strong for her crew. What would they say if they found out that Shepard started crying? Kelly would be back any minute, and though she was supposed to be the psychologist on board, she talked to _everyone_ so it'd be likely that she'd let something slip, even if she didn't mean to. So, no. Shepard couldn't afford the luxury of crying right now. Not while on this mission. Maybe if she survived it (which she really doubted. They don't call it a 'suicide mission' for shits and giggles) then she could retire to her quarters and settle down for a good cry. But until then, she had to be strong.

"Yeoman Chambers is requesting entry, Commander." EDI said, and Shepard turned, seeing the blue light from the AI.

"Let her in." Shepard said. The doors slid open, and Kelly walked through.

"What about this?" She asked. "I know it's not a dress, but I figured you wouldn't want to wear a dress anyway. It's certainly more easy to run around in." Kelly had this impish smile on her face, as if she knew that Shepard would be embarrassed just _looking_ at the thing. Boy, was she right.

"It'd be so unprofessional for me to wear this, Kelly. You know I can't." Shepard said, as if it had nothing to do with how little material there actually seemed to be.

"Figured you'd say that." Kelly said, looking disappointed. "Well, you could always just wear that. I guess." she gestured to the black and white outfit that Shepard was wearing.

"What? This is cute." Shepard said defensively.

Kelly waited just long enough to answer, "Oh, sure. Besides, this is a really pretty outfit, anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shepard asked, narrowing her eyes. Kelly blinked innocently.

"Oh, nothing. I'll see you down there." Kelly said, and she set the garment down on Shepard's bed before turning and walking out of the room.

Shepard stared at the outfit (if you were generous enough to call it that) long and hard. She paced in front of it, before stopping and picking it up. She held it against her. The material was really nice; soft and cool. Shepard quickly threw it back on the bed.

This is stupid. Kelly is just using her psych skills to manipulate Shepard into wearing that damn thing, and god damn it, she wasn't going to win this game.

Shepard was about ready to leave the room, but she couldn't help but think about Kelly's comment and how much of a challenge it sounded like. Shepard liked challenges. Well, she liked proving to people that she was capable of anything. She liked to prove people wrong.

Looking at the outfit on the bed, that seemed like the biggest challenge of all time.


	5. Chapter 5

It was common knowledge that Joker wasn't a people person. He didn't like being in crowds, he didn't like people he didn't know talking to him, and he didn't like people he didn't know staring at him. That being said, not many people knew that even though Joker didn't like people, it didn't mean that he wasn't curious about them. That's why flipping through the security cameras had become a regular thing.

You'd think that being a pilot on the Normandy, there would be a lot of stuff to do. Joker was sure that if he really _tried_, he could find something technical to do _all_ the time. But there was seriously only so much tech a guy could take. There were just moments where Joker thought to himself, '_If I have to input data one more time, I swear I'm going to break my own hands_."

Sure, between Miranda and Shepard, a lot of paperwork did get done, so Joker knew he didn't have the short end of the stick (because he had seen the way that Miranda works through the paperwork, and holy _hell_, that woman would kick ass as a secretary or something) but neither women were pilots, so they didn't understand the aggravation of going down to the engineering bay to tell those two wackjobs to stop messing with the cooling system of the engine.

"Unless you're doing something helpful, like making her go faster, don't touch her!" Joker had said after EDI had informed him that the fans were running 4% slower than usual. "Go fix the air conditioning or something."

So on these occasions where Joker was ready to either fall asleep or tear his hair out, he often pulled up the security cameras and watched the crew. This had often caused debates between Joker and EDI, which was just insane, because she was a _program_ for heaven's sake, so she shouldn't have morals.

"Mr. Moreau, I have to interfere." EDI said, and Joker rolled his eyes before looking at the AI with disgust.

"They're _doing it_, EDI! If they didn't want anyone else to know, they should have moved their little soiree to a place out of view of the camera." Joker turned back to the screen and cackled. "Look at them go! I'll have to remind Chakwas to sanitize the medical bay." He widened his eyes and leaned back. "Or maybe we should just it on fire. Good lord."

Of course, Joker never spied on Shepard for the wrong reasons. At first, it was just to make sure that she hadn't completely lost her mind and wouldn't go Patrick Bateman on anyone. Then it was just because she talked to everyone worth talking to, and she actually had interesting conversations with them. It was never anything _inappropriate_ or anything. It wasn't like he was spying on her in the shower. They don't even have cameras in the restrooms.

Not that he checked or anything.

As he was sitting in his _damn comfortable_ seat, Joker pulled up the cameras and scrolled through them. Everything was really quiet on the engineering deck, in the cargo hold (usually Grunt was talking to himself, which was always fun to watch), in that weird little spot Jack took over (she was silent and just staring at the wall, which was never fun to watch). It was unusually quiet everywhere, and just as Joker was getting worried that the crew disappeared without him realizing it (boy, that would sure suck. First he gets Shepard killed, then the entire crew goes missing because he was too busy filling out papers) until he got to the mess hall cameras. Everyone seemed to be gathered on that floor; in the medical bay, out near the tables, in the crews quarters. People were gathered out in little crowds, and music was playing over speakers. It was really old music, too. Dear God. Some of this stuff hadn't been heard in hundreds of years.

"EDI, what's with the party going on?" Joker asked, looking and seeing people dressed in party attire. Girls in dresses and guys in casual wear. Few women wore heels.

"Dr. Chakwas requested that I import her music files and play them over the sound system on level three. I saw no harm in it, and obliged." EDI responded. Joker glanced at her sullenly.

'_Well, no one thought to invite me to the party? Figures. Jerks.' _He thought to himself. _'Whatever, I don't even care. I have a lot of work to do._'

But as Joker pulled down the cameras, suddenly in a terrible mood, he realized that he actually _didn't _have anything to do. The one night he was prepared to die filling out paperwork, and he's all caught up in it? What a bunch of crap.

He pulled the camera up, looking through them. He wasn't necessarily looking for Shepard, but he was a little disappointed that she wasn't there. Of course the Commander had better things to go to some party. Like hell was she going to dress up, either. Joker snorted at the thought. Yeah, right. Seeing Shepard in one of those skimpy little dresses. Wearing high heels. He seriously..._oh my god what the hell is she wearing?_

He could see Shepard walking out of the elevator. While other women wore dresses, he could see that Shepard had gone a step farther. Of course, Joker had seen her in a dress before. But this was totally different. Totally different.

It was a black jumpsuit, made of a stretchy looking material. It clung to her like a second skin, and there was a part in the chest area that was cut out so it showed her collar bone, curved around to hide her breasts (just barely though) and then out again to show off her toned stomach, stopped just above her crotch. The back was cut out similarly, showing her shoulder blades and those cute little back dimples that some women had.

She wasn't wearing heels, but her black boots didn't look out of place. Not that Joker was looking at her shoes very much.

She looked a little timid for a second. Joker was surprised by the vulnerability on her face. He leaned a little closer to the screen, watching her adjust her outfit slightly and pat her hair self-consciously. He could see her slightly turn toward the elevator, as if she were thinking about making a run for it. Then he saw Kelly Chambers walking toward her, and was amazed at how fast Shepard masked her expression. She went from being self-conscious and afraid to looking supremely confident.

Joker watched as Shepard grinned, walking up to Kelly and taking her hand to spin her, like Joker had seen fathers and daughters do together. Then the two walked into the crowd, but Joker could still see Shepard's flaming red hair.

For a minute, Joker thought about going down there. He quickly changed his mind when he saw just how crowded it was, and how the main activity seemed to be _dancing_ of all things. Joker had never really danced before. More than that, Joker never _wanted_ to dance before. It had nothing to do that he was risking breaking his legs when he danced; it was just that he much preferred watching other people dance. Especially those Asari. In those clubs. Yeah.

Instead, Joker just contented himself with watching the party. It was better this way. Really.

For some reason, as Joker was watching the party, he thought about his very first girlfriend. Her name was Jenny Apture, and they were both fourteen. They dated for about 9 weeks. She was the daughter of his mother's friend. She was scared to hug him. She thought he'd break.

Yeah, it's hard to not be bitter about all of that stuff. The few disastrous relationships he had had over his life. Kisses that were too gentle. Hugging that was so faint it was practically insulting to him. Inviting a girl to stay the night, only to have her look at him with concern and say that she wouldn't want to accidentally hurt him.

Joker was sick of it. He didn't want or need any girl's pity. So when he got into flight school, Joker had pretty much just stopped trying to date. 'I don't need sex,' He'd tell himself. 'My work is so much more important than a relationship. What good is a relationship to me?'

Therapists had told him that was why he had taken losing the Normandy (and Shepard) so hard.

Joker wasn't sure why he was thinking about all of these things _now_. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that he might have inappropriate feelings toward his Commander (because he didn't, god damn it, and anyone that said otherwise is a big fat liar) or with the fact that the suicide mission was getting closer and closer with each passing day. Joker was feeling pretty confident about their odds, especially with Shepard's confidence.

So, Joker wasn't sure why he was suddenly feeling all sad and full of regret. Maybe it was just from him thinking about his lost Normandy. That certainly bummed him out.

It was growing late and Joker knew that he would have to sleep in the cockpit if he was going to get any rest at all. He muttered to EDI to go on autopilot, and he settled back in his seat, adjusting his hat to keep the light from the computers out of his eyes. He was just about to doze off when he heard the doors from the elevator open. He felt his alertness rush back to him, but he didn't move.

'_Maybe if I just stay really still, they'll think I'm asleep and go away_.' He thought to himself. As the steps grew closer, Joker got the feeling he wasn't going to catch a break.

"You should really work on your poker face, Joker," Jean Shepard said. "You're a terrible faker."

Joker sighed and looked over at Shepard, who was standing at his right holding a glass of wine. Joker was amazed at how hard he had to work to keep his eyes at her face, especially when her torso was right as his eye level. But her face was just as nice to look at, too.

"I'll keep that in mind." Joker said.

"Why didn't I see you downstairs?" Shepard asked, and Joker silently cursed at the pleasant jolt that went through him at the idea of Shepard being disappointed at his absence.

"Work." Joker said, gesturing to the computer lamely. Shepard gave him a look that suggested she knew just how bogus this excuse was. "Truth be told, I'm not really a 'partying' kind of guy." he used his index fingers to make the quotation marks. Shepard nodded.

"I wouldn't suppose you'd mind finishing off my wine then?" she asked. "I've had enough already."

Her eyes _were_ looking a bit glassy, her cheeks bit flushed. Joker wouldn't say that she was drunk, but he had a feeling that even if she was, she could still take down an army of geth. Joker took the half-filled glass from her. He didn't drink (disorientation was the _last_ thing he needed) but he supposed just a few sips wouldn't hurt him. It wasn't like he was planning on getting up any time soon. He took a sip, expecting it to be bitter, but was surprised at the taste. It was a sweet, rich kind of taste. Like orange chocolate, but different somehow.

"You missed out on quite a party." Shepard murmured, opening the small closet and pulling out the wheelchair, opening it up and sitting inside of it. Joker made a small noise that encouraged her to continue. "Chakwas played all of this old music. I mean, _really_ old music. I liked some of it. Mordin sang some song that he knew. I danced with Kelly a lot."

"You like Kelly, huh?" Joker asked, taking another drink of wine. Shepard shrugged.

"She's nice, but, you know, she's Cerberus." Shepard said, a tiny frown on her face. "I couldn't trust her like I trust you or Garrus or Tali."

"I see." Joker said. Cerberus wasn't a factor to them. He knew how Shepard saw it. There was us, and Cerberus was _them_. That wouldn't be changing.

"What do you do, Joker? For fun." Shepard asked, fixing her pale blue eyes on him.

"I watch a lot of porn." Joker said, and Shepard laughed. That was a beautiful thing about her. Most people didn't laugh like a 'ha-ha' laugh. Shepard did. She'd lean back and tilt her head up and let out the most beautiful laugh.

"I'm being serious." She said.

"Read. I used to play video games, but...not so much any more." He said.

"It's hard to picture you in a simulation room." Shepard said. "And I don't see you with an omni tool."

"Well, I don't play those kinds of video games, _obviously_." Joker said. "My mom...well, I didn't leave the house very often, you know, as a kid." Shepard nodded. "So my mom, she knew I was just so damn _bored_ all the time, so she bought me this really _old_ video gaming system."

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, tucking her legs under herself.

"It was called a PS12. Play Station 12." Joker said, chuckling to himself at the memory of the thing.

"A _what_?" Shepard asked.

"I'm serious. It was a console you played games on." Joker said, growing a bit excited at knowing something Shepard didn't.

Shepard played video games. Not often, but whenever she had the free time. Joker had seen her in the tournaments on the Citadel, pairing off with some poor guy in a simulation center. Mostly she played hand-to-hand combat games (which Tali had often told her was cheating, and then Shepard would tell her the same thing while Tali played her droid games).

"What kind of games?" Shepard asked skeptically.

"Oh, let me think." Joker said thoughtfully, wracking his memory to remember his favorite games growing up. "I really liked Call of Duty: Intergalactic War. Phazerman was a fun one. Final Fantasy 43 was the best one, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"What! I've never heard of any of these games. You're making this up!" Shepard said, smirking at him.

"No, I'm serious!" Joker said, laughing.

"Whatever." Shepard said, shrugging. "What else?"

"What else what?" Joker asked.

"Do you do for fun." Shepard said.

"Well," Joker said, not believing he was about to reveal this embarrassing secret. "I used to make model ships as a kid."

Shepard's face seemed to go blank from shock.

"You what?" She asked.

"No, I know, it's lame. I don't do it anymore, obviously, but-"

"Joker." Shepard interrupted, raising her hand to silence him. "Shut up, and come with me."

Without another word, Shepard rose to her feet and began to walk to the elevator. Joker stared after her confused for a few seconds before downing the rest of the wine and slowly getting to his feet and walking after her.

They stood side by side in the elevator, and Shepard just ignored Joker when he asked what was going on. The doors slid open, and Joker realized that Shepard was taking him to her cabin. He hadn't been in here before. He hadn't even seen it. Cameras weren't installed in here.

Not that he checked or anything.

"Well?" Shepard asked, looking over her shoulder at Joker as she stood outside the doors to her quarters. "Aren't you coming?"

"Uh, yeah, right behind you." Joker said, following after her.


End file.
